Aug 20, 2010

Play All

You might have to be visually impaired or just quirky brained like me to understand how God spoke to me today. I’ve really been struggling with fear regarding bringing *W* home. This process has been so long, and now things are moving so fast. Our agency was involved in the adoption of the Russian boy, whose adoptive “mom” put him on a plane back to Russia. She didn’t inform the agency, Russia, her local agency, or her social worker. She put this 8 year old boy on a plane, alone, with a note pinned to his jacket.

So, now parents of older children are required to watch a webinar specifically geared towards the adoption of older children. Along with that has been a thread on an email list for parents of older adopted children. The topic was discipline issues including hitting, screaming, kicking, pinching, and other issues associated with severe attachment disorders. I also spoke to a friend whose 9 year old little girl has been home for a little over a year. Her daughter has been acting out sexually, which would be indicative of some sort of abuse. All of this has added up to me thinking “WHAT HAVE WE DONE!!”

I have to confess that I have allowed this to rob me of sleep and create total panic in my heart. So, in my heart I also know that God is much greater than fear. Nor, is fear from God. He doesn’t send us fear, but power, love, and a sound mind. My mind has been far from sound these past few days. The stories and “worldly philosophies” are frightening and hopeless. I felt paralyzed and overwhelmed. I was lost in a sea of doubt: what if she acts like that?, how will it affect the boys?, how will it affect our marriage?, will I know what to do if she acts like that?, do I have the patience for that?. People already think we’re crazy.. Well, at least some people do anyway. So, is she going to come home and just confirm that? I have actually either cried, or sat frozen with fear, for the past few days.

Nothing like selling God short after all this time. I’m really good about talking my way out of how God has worked in this process and twisting the whole thing around in my head. I can convince myself that we have a pretty “dramatic” story. Mom is visually impaired, oldest kiddo has CF, adopting a blind child, it stands to reason that we would get a grant from Show Hope.. I can go on and on like this.. The point is that I can tell myself that maybe I totally missed it. That maybe God was trying to get us to go the opposite direction.

God and I have always had this “bargain”. Despite the fact that I’ve been legally blind my entire life, I still lose stuff all the time. Often, I say out loud.. “Lord, please show me where my….is.” Sure enough, whatever it is, always shows up shortly thereafter. When I get into these panicky moods, I like to watch old “happy” tv shows. Sort of lightens my mood. So, this morning I put in a disc from season 1 of The Andy Griffith Show. I can’t see the menu, so I just pushed play. Something immediately popped into my mind.. I thought that perhaps the “play all” button wasn’t first on the list. So, I figured I should put the menu back on and have Chris check. It turns out that the “play all” selection was the very last one. Now, I know this may sound very strange to some of you, but I felt God say in my heart “If I can take care of this, so you can watch this DVD without a problem, I think you can depend on Me in this adoption”. Play all.. God didn’t intend for us to get half way, or even 9/10 of the way through this adoption. He wants us to select “play all” and finish with courage and faith. We are praying and believing that God will give her peace and help her bond with us. We love her, but we know God loves her even more. The journey continues, and what a grace and mercy filled journey it has been!

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