But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.
The Lord brought this verse to my mind this week as I was reflecting on the long wait we’ve endured, and how I felt about it. I belong to an email support group for parents who are adopting from Thailand, so emails come in my inbox from people who are in all different phases of the adoption process. Honestly, when people join the group and introduce themselves, part of me wants to scream “Stop! Turn back! Don’t do it!” I want to tell them that the wait will be longer than they ever expected. That once you get attached to a child, there’s no turning back. I want to say that it may seem easy at the beginning, when you are busy with paperwork, but it becomes so much harder than you can imagine when the real waiting starts. Then I’m reminded of why we started this process in the first place…
The reality is, that God has called us to this adoption. God’s callings are not always easy, in fact, most often far from it. In the midst of this process, God is trying to teach me several things. First, it’s not all about me. The waiting has been hard…for me. I spent too much time focusing on how hard it was on me, and not enough time trusting God. The waiting is a time of testing, and I want to come out as pure as gold! I want to learn what God wants me to learn. I know I’ve fallen short so many times. Every time things looked grim, I fell apart just like an Israelite. Thankfully, God is forgiving and patient!
People ask us all the time if we will adopt from Thailand again (which is odd because we haven’t even retrieved #1 yet!). My first reaction to that question was…NO WAY!!.. God has really convicted me about that. All my reasons for saying “NEVER AGAIN” are totally selfish. They have to do with me not wanting to go through the wait and uncertainty again. Again, this brings me back to being willing to do whatever God asks me to do, no matter what. I’m not saying God is asking us to adopt again. I’m just saying that God is telling me not to rule anything out. Allow Him to be in charge, and all will work together for good.
In the mean time, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the realness of our daughter. I know it must sound so weird to those of you who have not adopted before, but there is this disconnect of sorts from the fact that we are dealing with a real child. So, I’m starting to buy clothes and toys, and things that make this feel more real to me. Even if it’s just garage Sale items that are inexpensive, that helps me feel more connected to her. We’re collecting books that make noise, and books that have textured pictures. I’m also collecting children’s read along books on tape and CD. All of these little projects help me stay focused, and give me something to do during this final stretch. Getting ready for her to come home sure helps make things feel a lot less like playing house!